better | at leaving messages ] [ for asgard

[this is hard. this is actually really, really hard. derek's not sure how much erica's heard about his arrival - he doesn't remember being here, after all, but isaac told him he wasn't fair on her the last time he was in asgard. he feels guilty about it. about a lot of things, if he's honest. his guilt causes him to overthink his greeting for a solid fifteen minutes before he figures out the best icebreaker to go with.]

Hey. It's Derek.

[Erica is probably doing something at the house that her and Isaac share. Cleaning, repairing damage... either way she's not at work when he messages her, so she doesn't have to be polite and quiet. Her reads it and isn't sure what to think. Scott had told her that he was back, which considering how little she'd seen of him before didn't seem to make much difference to her. Isaac had his second chance to make things whatever it is that he wanted with Derek and she got to just keep on being the giant regret in Derek's life.

She answers it with a video feed, her expression slightly blank, exuding all the unimpressed that she can muster.]

You realize your name gets attached to the message, right?

[Derek started feeling impatient as soon as he hit send on that message. He had started pacing around his welcome hall in anxious irritation, restless anger settling in the pit of his stomach, and even though Erica didn't take too long to reply, he still worked himself up until she did. He breathed easier once she got back to him, but... it's not like he's feeling any better about where this conversation might go.]

... No. I didn't realize that. [and he swaps over to video, though it takes another couple of minutes.]

Can we talk?

[It sounds familiar, not exactly the same because there's less frustration behind his tone, but it's still the same request for her time. She's not sure she wants to start this out again. She's sure that even if he isn't from after she dies that someone has made mention of it to him. The hushed whispers of 'Oh by the way Erica is here and she hasn't died yet.' being passed on.]

About your recent re-arrival or something else, because I already know you're here again.

Does it matter? I just want to talk to you, Erica.

[It's not much of an answer, but that's just because he doesn't have one to give. There's a lot he wants to say, obviously, about her future he lived through and about the way he's treated her all this time, but right now, it's just... he didn't think he would ever see her again. Erica's part of his pack, and just hearing her voice was elating him beyond measure. She's safe. It's taking a lot for him to stay as calm as he is.]

If you're busy, we don't have to do this.

[She takes in a slow breath, letting it fill her lungs as she tries not to roll her eyes at him. Erica can almost hear Isaac nagging at the back of her thoughts, telling her how she should give him a chance, that maybe things changed or maybe not knowing her from before will help. Her hand runs through her hair and she shakes her head.]

No, I'm not busy. It's fine... I just don't know what you want to talk about. [a beat] You can come here, though. If you want. I live with Isaac. [another pause.] Next door to Stiles and everyone. [there's an eyeroll there, though.]

[He's looking at her like he's watching an old, old film he had liked long ago. The way Erica rolled her eyes, ran her fingers through her hair - it's all so familiar, and he had forgotten the movements she made, the inflection to her voice when she was annoyed. For the thousandth time, Derek felt like he didn't pay enough attention to her while he had the chance. He'd felt like this with Isaac, too, but it feels worse, now, because he's not distancing himself with text.]

Are you sure? [he pauses.] I mean, okay. Thank you. I'll come over.

[and he shuts off the feed. it doesn't take long at all for him to arrive at Erica's place, and he can't help but feel a little envious of her setup with Isaac as he knocks on her door.]

[She answers the door, opening it and kicking shoes further down the side of the wall. She's not sure how both of them ended up with so many pairs of boots, but that's the way it is. Clumps of dirt fall off and track to the floor. It's just further proof that they've been going out in the mud and sludge of the town and leaving boot prints in places they shouldn't.

She steps aside, but still clings to her hold on the door. Her free hand gestures for him to come in. The small front room having the beat up couch (stolen) and a few small tables (borrowed permanently) and then the entrance to the kitchen to the side. The sun porch just off the kitchen and three bedrooms down the hall from where they're standing.]

Have you been here before? With Isaac? [They'd been passing ships the past few days, but they had a job to do later - she'd catch up then.]

[Derek ducks his head as he makes his way inside, careful not to trip over a stray boot as he surveys the front room with growing curiosity. A part of him thinks his loft back home is way better than this, but there's something cozy about how lived in Erica's place is. Derek's hands are shoved deep in his pockets as he looks at basically everything in the room except for the girl who invited him inside, and when he does finally turn to her, his mouth is still kind of dry. This is still hard.]

I've never been here. I mean-- I don't remember being here, I guess. Not just your place, but this city in general. I just remember home.

[She's under the impression that their house is better than an empty traincar slash warehouse.

It's odd to see him like this. Not fighting with her, no frustration over how she's behaving.]

Scott mentioned that. He told me about Peter. I haven't met him yet. [Her hands tuck into her back pockets, shrugging her shoulders up.] What did you want to talk about?

You'll never have to, if I can help it. Peter's not a man you need to meet.

[Derek pulls his hands from his pockets, but he's still uncharacteristically self-conscious, scratching at his arm and trying to figure out how to approach this. He can't just... apologize, he can't just tell her how sorry he is about everything that happened. She's here, she's alive, he shouldn't treat her like she's still dead in his arms.]

I met your boyfriend. [This isn't what he came to talk about, but he's still leading up to that.] He said you don't like me and then hit me in the face with an umbrella.

[See, this had been an awkward conversation for Erica. She had been trying to work around all of the things that Derek had told her, that he had impressed upon her without even saying anything, and mostly she was just trying to avoid feeling like this was some courtesy call he was making. Then she heard that Sam hit him with an umbrella and her mind was flooding with scenarios in where that happened. It's really an amusing thing to consider.

There's no point in hiding her amusement either, she just grins at Derek. It's possibly a very foreign thing to him, seeing her smile like that.]

I'm sure there's a story to that, but honestly the context you gave me is perfectly fine. [Though, she really shouldn't be so rude. She tries to stifle the grin, but it mostly comes down to a smirk.]

I came here before I met you. Before all of the werewolves and kanimas... before it all. Well, about ten minutes before I met you, but it was still when I didn't know anything about who you were or what to expect and I had to hear everything from someone else. It wasn't you, but it still wasn't something I ever could go you about. I tried, though.

[She shrugs.] I just eventually realized that I needed to give up trying.

[She looks up at him.] So, no. I don't like you - but it's really hard, because you don't even remember all of that and considering how you keep not looking at me - I'm going to guess that what you do remember is that I'm dead. At least, when you're from. It hasn't happened for me, yet.

[Her mouth draws into a tight line.] I'm still behind everyone else.

[Warmth floods through Derek when he hears Erica smile, as totally rude as she might be by laughing at him getting smacked in the face, and he starts to relax. There's still tension in his shoulders, especially when she comments on her own death like it's nothing, but for the most part he's just letting himself breathe so this conversation can go where it needs to go. His eyes flick down, and they meet hers for maybe the first time since he arrived here, and when he speaks there's a measured steadiness to his tone.]

I'm not here to force you to like me, Erica. I've done awful things to you, even if you haven't experienced them yet. I don't remember the way I treated you the last time I was in the city, but I know I wasn't fair then, either. I can't just... come over here and expect to patch things up with you in one conversation.

[okay, maybe it was too early to say he was breathing easier than before. This is still too hard, and Derek has to start pacing around the room, his back facing Erica so he can talk and collect his thoughts without being overwhelmed with guilt whenever he sees her face.]

But listen. I think I've gone through things back home that I hadn't gone through the last time I was here. I mean, I'm a different person, now. I'm not angry anymore. I don't want to shut you or Isaac out. I just... miss you, because it's been so long since I've seen you. I miss you, and Isaac, and Boyd, and all the other people you might not have ever met.

I just had to make sure that you're alive, that you're okay, and that you're happy. That's all this is. I'm not going to make you talk to me or do anything you don't want to do. I can't ask you to let me in your life when all I've done is push you out of mine.

[She doesn't really even know what sort of things Derek had been through before when he was here. The few conversations they had didn't actually have words in them. There was a lot of him being frustrated with her and she feels like a majority of the people from Beacon Hills get that way with her. Isaac and her get along, which is probably due mostly to how close she grew to him before she experienced the bite back home. It's what she can at least fall back on - that she had friends and good things before all the horrible things.]

I am okay, Derek. I'm happy too. I... I came here with nothing. I had a family that spent more time worrying about me and trying to make choices for me than actually looking at what I was going through. I had classmates that made fun of me and harassed me. I showed up here and there were expectations that I was supposed to be the werewolf girl that they knew.

I just ... I wasn't. It took me a long time to build up from the experiences I had, but I did it on my own. I didn't need the bite here, because people didn't treat me like some thing. I made friends, I had healers fix me. So I didn't have to worry about seizures here.

I grew stronger with Isaac's help and Scott's help. You were here, but we just didn't connect. I didn't understand anything about pack or being a werewolf and it felt like you would just look right past me. Waiting for some different Erica to show up.

[She glances to him, hoping that he at least understands what she's saying. She never got to explain it to Derek before - but he also never seemed to want to be told all the things she had to do on her own. He wanted to be the one she needed and she didn't want to need him, because he always made her feel like she wasn't enough.]

Then everyone found out that I die and that's all anyone saw. When I went back home, I realized how quickly it's all going to happen.

I had ten more minutes before you came to me in that hospital and then I had a month before I was back here. I left off at the rave. I watched you make Stiles break the line of mountain ash to save Scott. I watched you pick Scott, over letting us out of the same trap that had the Kanima in it.

[It might not have been the whole story, but coming back here it was how she reflected back on it.]

You tried, once, but after that you were gone and whatever you and Isaac sorted out before you left was on better terms than where we were.

[She figures that was partly on her shoulders.]

So, I know I didn't have to tell you that and it probably isn't going to help either, but I want you to know that it wasn't because I didn't need you to help me -- that's not why I don't like you. It's because that's all you wanted to be. You wanted to be the alpha to a girl who didn't need one anymore.

[He's quiet as Erica opens up to him, turning around and keeping his eyes locked on her as she speaks. Derek tries to just listen for once. There are a lot of things Erica says that gets to him, and every now and then he'll look to the floor out of shame or anger or something unrecognizable, but he keeps his mouth shut tight to keep himself from interrupting.

It hurts to hear her talk about how much she hadn't needed him, but he knew it was unfair of him to want that. He hadn't done anything to deserve to be wanted, either here or at home. In the end, he was just... happy for her. Happy that she found her place in Asgard so much easier than he thought she would have.]

I'm not an Alpha anymore, Erica. I haven't been an Alpha for a long time. [His eyes rise up to meet hers, but then they fall again, because like he thought - he can't look at her while he speaks, it still hurts.]

I'm not an Alpha. I don't want to be in any kind of control over you, or Isaac, or anyone. I just want to have you both in my life again. I know that's a huge thing to ask, especially when all I did before was wait for you to become the girl I knew back home, but. I don't feel like that anymore. I don't care about power, I don't care about control, I just care about people.

[He couldn't find the right words, so this all just sounded stupid. He knew if he had been younger he would have been blindly, pointlessly angry at Erica for deserting him and standing on her own feet, but how was he supposed to apologize to her for that? He didn't want to drag Erica through any more memories she hadn't experienced yet, so he was trying to avoid talking about home as much as he could, about what he'd been through with Cora and his pack and everything else that made him feel like this. He was trying to tell her how he felt without making her think he just cared about some different, future version of her, and the uncertainty in his eyes made it clear that he thought he was failing.]

I care about you. [He sounds apologetic, like he feels guilty for even acting like he knows her anymore.] I don't think of you as a fragile girl or a werewolf or a thing. You and Isaac mean a lot to me, and I know that it's weird, but I just want a chance to get to know you again. If you'll let me.

[Erica listens to Derek, keeping quiet. She figures that she's already said enough, probably more than enough. There's a sense of regret building up in her that she had said all that to him. Maybe he didn't need to know, didn't need to hear it. She knows that she didn't start out with the beginning. That the first thing she heard from Derek was that she was useless... she's tried to get past that, but it left such a deep impression on her that she's never been able to shake past it.

She needs to try now, because this is the first impression she gets to have with this Derek and he's trying. She can see it.]

This is good. I mean, not that I know what else to say, but this feels a lot better than much of anything between us.

[She wrings her hands together, glancing to Derek. She hasn't let it go unnoticed that he keeps looking away from her.]

I would sooner have a clean start than anything, but I don't think that can happen for either of us. You've gone through more than I know and I have this different opinion of you... based on a version of you that isn't even here anymore.

But I can try.

Yeah.

[He's not sure which part of that he's agreeing to, but Erica isn't pushing him away, so he's finally wearing a sheepish little grin as he looks back to her for the hundredth time today. Derek's changed a lot since losing his Alpha rank - with Cora gone and everyone hurting back home, all he wants to do is hold on to what he can. He's not going to lose this chance to make things right with Erica if she's really, honestly going to try to deal with him.]

I mean-- yeah. Even though it might be hard, we should work on making some kind of fresh start between us. Like I said, I want to get to know you again. I'm not going to push you into being anybody, I'm not going to treat you like the girl from a future you haven't lived through. And... I'm not going to pressure you into talking about things you don't want to talk about, either. [Like her death, or pretty much any werewolf stuff, or... basically anything he could think of sort of feels like a topic he should avoid.]

So. Yeah. [He keeps saying yeah, so. It's damn clear just how anxious he is about all this. He's worried if he says the wrong thing, Erica'll change her mind and kick him out, and she'll go back to being the girl he can't talk to anymore.]

I'd like that. If you could try. Just tell me if I start to screw up again, okay? Or if there's anything I can do to make things easier regarding ... putting up with me. I know from experience how hard I can be to deal with.

[She nods, and she's relieved there's a comment about making her talk about things she doesn't want to talk about.]

I won't spy on Isaac for you either. He's my best friend, so if you want to know something about him, you'll have to ask him yourself.

[She takes a breath.] But... I want to get to know you, too. Without all the kanima and werewolf stuff.

What? I don't want you to spy on Isaac. Have I asked you to do that before? [He laughs a little through that last sentence, but the sudden noise seems to embarrass him, because he's back to ducking his head and looking at the ground. It's a good feeling, though, a sheepish and happy motion instead of something laced with the guilt and the shame that had been plaguing him up until now. Opening up to Erica had made it easier for him to relax, but man, he's such an awkward guy when it comes to normal human interaction.]

I'm glad you two are friends, though. [He settles against one of the walls of Erica's place, just leaning into it and shutting his eyes and breathing.]

Not because of any connection you might have had back home. Just -- I know Isaac. He's a good guy.

[She watches him relax and it puts her at ease as well.]

I know Isaac too and that's why he's my best friend. [She's been through a lot with him here and even when things got really bad, they still made it through it all to live with each other.] Coming back here after the last trip home, just made it better because I knew more about the things we went through back home. [All the training and being annoyed at Derek was great for bonding.]

Right, yeah. [He's starting to feel like he's overstaying his welcome, but he doesn't want to leave, exactly, so he just hovers by the wall for a while longer. He'd like to stay until Erica kicks him out, at least.]

I guess you guys have probably spent a long time complaining about me, right? [It's supposed to be a joke, but it comes off kind of heavy.] I mean - I wouldn't really blame you. You've got a lot of material to work with.

[Erica rolls her eyes.] It wasn't the Derek Hale Roast here all the time. You weren't around enough for me to really ... care. Isaac wanted to figure it out, he gave you a better chance than I did. I just got tired of getting shut out.

[She glances to him.] Do you want something to drink?

[For the most part he's quiet, but he's trying not to make things too tense again. He doesn't want the atmosphere to get all stiff again, and he does find himself grinning at Erica's eyeroll despite everything. Derek really did miss that eyeroll.]

Yes. Uh - nothing alcoholic, though. If you even have anything alcoholic at your age.

[He's never really had too much alcohol in his life. Werewolves can't get buzzed, let alone drunk, so he's never felt the need, but now he's human and he's been unhealthily curious about it for a while. So. Gotta keep it away in case he's a lightweight.]

We do... [Because back home they can't get drunk. Ever. Here the rules are bent and they are part of a black market smuggling ring. It is a nice thing to have on hand in case things get a bit uneasy.]

But I can get you water. [She moves into the kitchen, opening the fridge and grabbing the pitcher of water. She pulls down two glasses and pours them.]

There's a sun porch just past the kitchen. [She gestures.] You can take a look, if you want. You don't have to move into that wall.

[He's never been the kind of guy to care about underage drinking (unless it goes on in his loft when he's out of town, which only happened and but he's still not over it) so he's not going to give Erica a hard time about that. He just nods in gratitude for the water and drifts idly out to the sun porch, sitting down and settling in like he owns the place.]

So, uh. [He's calling out to her from the other room, which makes him feel like a bit of an impolite dick, but hey. He's done worse to her than use his outside voice indoors.]

Is it too soon for me to ask you about your boyfriend? He's kind of a tool. [he pauses.] I mean-- he's kind of cool. That's what I meant.

Edited 2014-05-05 01:39 (UTC)

at leaving messages ] [ for asgard

text

video || sorry derek you don't get to hide behind words

text -> video // derek quietly sobs into his hands

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